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My world has been spinning lately. Everything goes too fast and too much always needs to get done. I got sick over spring break. I haven't been that sick in a long, long time. I went to urgent care with a fever, but they didn't know what else was wrong. I think my body just quit. It had enough.

The twins are two and every bit of two. Today we have a speech evaluation. I am freaking out a little in my head, but I am glad to have the day off of work.

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I went to a parent support group on Friday. It was at Nature's Playhouse where we spend a lot of our time anyway. As everyone else sat in a circle I told my story while watching Andrew climb up the slide. "I am a single mom with twins. It can be a lot." I took him down from the slide and brought him over to where everyone else was sitting. "I spent $20,000 to have them, so when it gets overwhelming I feel incredibly guilty." No judgement. The two ladies holding their six month old babies just starred at me wondering how I manage it all. The mom with a three and a five year old looked like she was going to cry-you can tell her days feel endless. I don't have too many crisis days. When my head does get loud it's always about a future event-how am I going to afford x,y,z? I have savings and little debt, but the fear is always there.

I liked that I could tell the lady who runs the place my story. She said she had never considered parenting from that perspective before. I used to be incredibly closed off, but now I want people to know who I am. It's far less messy in my head when I can just tell people what my life is like.

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It's weird Jamie and I use to talk for hour-literally hours every day back and forth in text. I won't do it anymore. I find it irritating-it's not much different than what I did with Heidi and Eleanor. It's terrifying because I was so close to her and now I don't know who to turn to. This will take some sorting out time, but I think it's the right decision.

She texted me yesterday so incredibly long thing about her doctor's appointment, but it just seemed like an incredible amount of drama and it started with, "I lost three pounds" after that I didn't want to read anymore. I wanted to scream at her to grow up. I wrote back, "oh no". She has to sense my annoyance. I sense my annoyance.

In other news, the twins went to their grandparents house last night. I am amazed at hour far behind I am in scrapbooking. I literally spent give hours on it and have barely started. Lots and lots to get done. I hope to get through the May pictures today. I have July-October done, February, and soon May. I am jumping around because it's just a lot. I also have their first birthday done.

Back to work!

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Yesterday was an incredibly long day. It was a less than sellar parenting day because I was tired. We went to music class and did a pool party in the bathtub because it was raining, but that was it. It was a hard day to get through. Hopefully today will be better.

My best friend left for a week for up north and it was so much quieter when she was gone. This is something I struggle with sooo much. I love her. She is absolutely amazing. Amazing to the point where I use to say she was the babies second mom. But when I switched therapists in January I began talking about how hard it was to be around her because everything seems to be about her eating disorder. I remember saying that our only outtings were to places to eat. I began to wonder if I was exaggerating and things weren't that bad, but as I have paid more and more attention to it Yep that's what our days are like. We schedule events to eat. It sucks that it's not a real friendship-I call it eating disorder camp.

I want her to come with me to music class, the zoo or see the babies' rooms that I repainted back in April she hasn't been here. I don't want to so restaurant meals. I hate that time. Yesterday we were talking about plans to get together and I said I wanted her to come to music class, she said she wanted the babies to hang out for a 1:30 lunch (because clearly everyone eats at 1:30 and what am I suppose to do with them from 7am-1:30?), I told her we could do a park after her therapy session on Friday, she said we could do an adult dinner when the babies were at the grandparents house. I said no because I am not driving an hour or more in rush hour traffic to eat for an hour to get back in the car and go home. Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I am just being excessively bitchy, but I am so tired. She doesn't work, hasn't worked in years. I have two kids and a full time job (I get that it's the summer and I don't have to teach but spending two hours in a car to eat for an hour sucks). I just want her to hang out with us-eating can be a part of the event, but I don't want it to be the whole event. I want real and I don't know how to get that. It's hard because I feel angry and I don't know what to do. I have never come out and said I hate Ed camp because I think that would sound mean, but it's true I hate Ed camp and it's starting to turn into I hate her. This is exhausting!

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Three days of school left with kids. I don't hate school at this point, the kids have settled in and they aren't fighting assignments, me or each other. The kid who was throwing Pop rocks (the firecrackers) and was sent back to my room because it wasn't a major issue brought a knife to school. He was suspended for five days (not expelled the knife wasn't long enough, apparently). It's been nice not having him and its horrible, but I hope he doesn't return next year. There is something seriously wrong with him. I have some really great kids who I will miss and I have some kids who I am happy to be done with. The social worker called cps on one of my kids last week. I questioned the decision and found it odd that I wasn't asked before the paper work started moving forward. Yes, this kid is involved with truancy. And yes the parents are fucked up and the brothers are on drugs, BUT what is cps going to do with a 14 year old who has no where else to go? He doesn't has bruises, it's a neglect issue, but he's 14. What could they do for him? I was right. They did nothing other than ask questions to the family on a Saturday morning.

Have I mentioned I enjoy having a place to write?

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In about two weeks Eleanor will be dead for a year. I missed her for a long, long time but now I can go for days without thinking about her. She was an amazing part of my life, messy and the lessons were hard, but I loved her. A friend said, "you don't think you will ever find that connection again." I nodded and said, "You are right." And that was the end of that conversation. I want another Eleanor, but it does freak me out. Anyway, that's all for now.

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Things are interesting. I find myself engaging in conversations that I really shouldn't be having because they make me feel pretty drained. My life is draining enough. I haven't written in a while because things were okay, kind of calm. But, my head is getting messy again so it's time to write more. Lots has happened and I don't really know where to start. I think that's the hard part about friendships, I want people in my world but I only want them to have certain pieces. I remember Kristine reading a journal of mine. I was careful and wrote pages of nothing so she never really knew anything. I have Michelle a journal where I wrote probably the most personal writing ever. She read it many, many years later and I never got it back. In that journal I wrote about seeing myself with children, but not a husband. I wanted my children to sit at the bar in the kitchen and do their homework while I cooked. I had forgotten all about that till I was watching a home decorating show with Jamie and that whole memory came back. I want that more than I would ever let anyone in on. It makes my heart hurt. That's all for today. I will check in and whine some more later.

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Eleanor's coroner report came out this week. They stated that she hung herself while suffering from a severe mental illness. I haven't talked to her in a year and a half but the fact that she's dead is still weird. In my mind, I had all sorts of ideas about the writing her and I would accomplish together. I still think about her everyday. When I was in Alaska my aunt and cousin both asked me if I still talked to the England girls. I just said no. In my family we don't really morn death, it's more oh, they are dead now we can move on. For example, a guy who worked at my mom's office killed himself right around Christmas time. My mom cleaned off his desk and that was it. I don't even know if she went to the funeral. So for me to say, "I miss Eleanor" would be strange. My mom asked about Eleanor around the time of graduation. I said she was proud of me, but we didn't talk much anymore. At that point she had been dead for three months.

In other news, school is school, writing is writing, and I am back to filling my schedule with crazy amounts of things. Sometimes I think it's a good thing to be so busy. However, I also know that busyness is my way of keeping everyone at a safe distance. Someday, I might fix that. Connection becomes a goal and then I freak out when things are going well and start filling my calendar again.

Okay, time to finish cleaning and head to bed.
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It's been a while

I am drinking Starbucks tea in Chicago. In about 9 hours I will be in Alaska. I love traveling because it makes me think I could leave and start all over again. It would be nice.

I haven't written in a while because I have been a bit withdrawn from everyone. I just needed some quiet time. Things are really good right now. Teaching is going well, I am working on publications, and in whatever free time I have I fill it with horseback riding. It's been really good for me. That's all for now

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I was home from work yesterday because I had lots to do. My dog thinks I started home to be her entertainment. She is cute and currently laying on my lap and does not want to move. I don't want to move either. That is all for now.